Silent Nights

I am feeling down…fallen…though looking up…as if for an outstretched hand to pull me back up onto the ledge where I have been living for so long now. I feel like the Coyote when he falls so far down into the pit that the television viewer can no longer see or hear his plummet…only the tiny cloud that is offered up as proof that there really was a destination…an ending…a hard one.

I spent the evening on hard, cold, aluminum stadium seats-camera at the ready-watching my son stand on the sidelines. If I found it heart-wrenching I can only imagine how my son must have felt. I hate to sound like a typical parent, but my son is extremely focused and willing to learn. He gives his all during every practice. Just yesterday he was the first one off the field-because he was running for the locker room—and he ran all the way—even when the coaches weren’t watching—even after he passed through the fence surrounding the field. He is coachable and positive…he is craving all things football right now. The frustrating part of it was that we were ahead by almost 2 touchdowns and still the coaches did not substitute players in. When my son finally got to run out on the field it was but for a single play—and the action was no where near him—all of this in the final 3 minutes of the ballgame.

I pray that his spirit does not get broken. While he is, undoubtedly upset, he still loves the game and is already talking of next year. I also feel badly for my husband because I know how his own heart must ache for his son…especially because he knows first hand what it feels like to play the game.

And so, I sat and watched and cheered and prayed for a boy who didn’t play.

Meanwhile there is my daughter…tonight found us able to sneak into the choir room for a behind the scenes preview of her upcoming winter concert. We were able to listen to all of the songs she has been working on (though only snippets). Their voices were lovely and my daughter participated 100%---but whenever we maintained eye contact it was only a stare…not a glimmer of recognition or delight…no show of emotions.

And so, I sat and watched and cheered and prayed for a girl who sang…but my heart ached just the same.

When the choir sang Silent Night in German my eyes began to well up. I was immediately taken back to a midnight Christmas Eve service at church…the year I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter. I wore a crushed red velvet blouse and I shakily held my candle while tears streamed down my cheeks. It is often said that silence speaks volumes...sometimes it is the things not said that impact us the most.

Censure or Sin?...Sure!

I finally realized why I feel so trapped in the middle all of the time. Driving down highway 46 West this morning it suddenly dawned on me that I have lived a censured life. A lid has been resting on my head my whole life...and, like boiling noodles, the frothy white stuff eventually starts spilling over. I am spilling over...my thoughts, my anger, my frustrations, my fears...all of them are starting to boil and in so doing are lifting my lid.

I am a creative soul who resides in a structured environment--not a good mix. At this point in my life I actually want to be a starving artist. I want to long for, to search for, to strive and become. And if nothing comes of it...so be it. But I can't keep my passion bottled up any longer.

Since I work in public education I have always been aware of the fact that I am a role model to students...and while I enjoy that I also feel like I can't really grow as a person if I am always limiting myself if only for the sake of others. What about the me who wants to say what she thinks? (Well...I can't...because, quite frankly, it's never appropriate). What about the girl who just wants to have fun? (Can't do that either...not appropriate). And the woman who just wants to do that which makes her happy? (...you guessed it...not appropriate).

While I am not the over-the-top crazy bad girl, I still want to do something if for no other reason than because I want to...I want to without forethought...without a worry or a care. So, who, exactly has censured me? Has it really been me all this while? If it has then I only have two words for myself, "You're Fired!"

Hallow-weaning

We are two days away from Halloween...a scary thought isn't it? Well, to me it is. I am scared because I have not made costumes, I have not purchased costumes, I have not even suggested costumes. I have not bought pumpkins, I have not carved a pumpkin, I have no desire to see a pumpkin. The very idea that I will be in the proximity of every kind of delicious candy ever manufactured has me wanting to hole up somewhere far far away until Monday.

Yes, my kids are getting older and it's not exactly the same...the anticipation isn't there (except for the candy part). But the fact of the matter is I am getting older and it ain't exactly the same either. I'd really like nothing more than to shove the kids out the door with a flash light, a cell phone, and a pair of my pantyhose over their heads. But, we live out in the middle of nowhere so by the time they reached the first house they would no doubt be fighting and out of breath or out of batteries. This means that we have to stay in town after school/work until it's "time" to trick or treat...except THIS year the daylight savings time will not decend upon us until after Halloween--not good. There is nothing like pacing back and forth until what feels like 9:00 at night to walk more blocks than you'd ever walk intentionally for any form of exercise--only to return home with a pillowcase FULL of SUGARY SWEETS and POTENTIAL POISON. "Sweet dreams darlings...Mommy's just going to go through all of your candy to make sure it's safe to eat..." translates as "Get your butts in bed NOW! I want to pilfer the good stuff pronto before you remember what you got!"

This technique generally results in getting one's body ready to stretch in preparation for the feasting trifecta of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

TNFW 2008

I had the pleasure of attending the Texas Non-Fiction Writers' Retreat 2008 this past weekend. The beauty of it was that it was held at the Cibolo Nature Center in Boerne, TX. The CNC is one of the most peaceful and soul-recharging locales I have visited in a great while. I could not have asked for more perfect weather to accompany me as I listened to and mingled with writers of such caliber as the legendary Elmer Kelton. What an inspiration to everyone to keep doing what you love doing no matter your age (Mr. Kelton is 82!). The love of his life was by his side throughout the entire retreat.

Before I go into any more detail I must first confess that I skipped work to attend this event. I took off a half-day of work on Friday so that I would not miss a thing. I am so glad that I did because I am tired of things getting in the way of what I want to do...even if one of those things is MY JOB! I want to grow and learn and start to surround myself with the things that make me happy...and writing is one of those things...if not THE thing that does the trick.

When I first drove down the tree-lined dirt road that leads to the Cibolo Nature Center I could feel myself shedding the layers that have been covering me. If I could have I would have tossed each layer out the sun roof and never looked back (of course, this would have left me naked and my kids unattended). Nevertheless I left the stressed-out, frustrated wife and mother behind and began to feel a little bit lighter...I began to feel like...well...like me.

There is nothing like the sound of your own tires slowly rolling over crushed granite to awaken your senses and ground you at the same time. Surrounded by prairie grass and marshes, grapvines and oak trees I felt like I had been transplanted into a private sanctuary--which--I suppose I was. No matter what kind of hustle and bustle was happening back at work...at my house...on Main street...I felt a sense of calm and quiet. It was amazing...and it continues to be so. The power that a weekend retreat has over a creative soul should never be discounted.

I feel so fortunate to have been able to meet so many diverse people. I was able to shake hands and talk with Kathleen Hudson...what a woman of inspiration! I found myself being asked by Andrew Sansom if I could snap a picture of him and Elmer Kelton (uh...yeah!). I got to listen and laugh as Joe Nick Patoski shared his stories of...how shall we say it...a varied life!! The man wrote a book about Willie Nelson! He summed up the weekend quite well when he said, "Truth really is stranger than fiction--so why bother!"

James L. Haley, Texas historian, was such a likeable guy...he was more than willing to pay it forward and advise us well. Michael Erard opened his presentation with the disclaimer that he has been holed up alone for long stretches of time---I must confess that after his talk I was craving a beer...I haven't felt more dumb since my World Civilization course in college!

Barbara Ras, being the director of the Trinity University Press in San Antonio shared with us all that went on in her world of resuscitating a University Press and what she looks for in authors. Rusty Shelton, the Managing director of Austin' Phenix& Phenix Literary Publicists, amazed me with his knowledge and professionalism. And, finally, Jan Wrede, the director of education at the Cibolo Nature Center allowed her passion to spill out and onto all of the attendees.

Speaking of passion...Jeff Morganthaler must drink it because he is THE ONE who put this entire retreat together. His love for the written word is apparent and I am very grateful that he was able to pull something like this off...something that even little ol' me could be a part of.

The Waiting Game

Nothing like waiting 59 minutes in the waiting room only to be called into a smaller room where a stranger-who doesn't even introduce herself-tells you to "Step up on the scale please" and then informs you -OUT LOUD- of your weight-which matches your full term pregnancy weight-only you were pregnant 14 years ago!

Then you are stuffed into another room-this one with a paper bed-no windows and a metal tray stand on wheels-and they CLOSE THE DOOR! You notice the calendar has not been flipped for a month and 3 weeks and your heart rate starts to race. You're suddenly realizing you need major medical attention-much more so than just the little irritation you've felt in your nose.

I don't know about you, but when there's something wrong with me-or when I'm feeling like crap--the last thing I want to see are posters of people who look and feel like me...or worse. The cross section of the ear, nose, & throat--sinus cavities and all--do not educate me...they nauseate me. Looking at all of the sinew and cavities...trying to self-diagnose whether or not I may have "cricoid cartilege" in my throat only makes me gag. I do know now that the reason I am in this doctor's office is because of my nasal vestibule...who knew that was the name for your nose holes? Not I.

The 'muscle man' in the poster sports a very stern and serious expression...like when football players "pose" for pictures-chin pressed back into their throat-face devoid of anything resembling a smile. Whereas the 'skeletal man' has one of the biggest grins I have ever seen. Perhaps it's because he has nothing left to prove. It's as if he's saying, "Look all you want folks!"

While waiting in what is begining to feel like a prison cell I can't help but to take a second look at the red box bolted to the wall...the one labeled "Sharps Collector." I particularly feel like I am in a place of healing when I see the skull & crossbones stickers on these boxes...or the bold printed words "BioHazard Warning."

I can't help but notice the "No Trash Please" label atop the brushed silver trash can with the flourescent orange BioHarzard sticker on it's front...the translucent red "trash" bag overflowing from beneath the lid. It makes me wonder what exactly they consider the 'stuff' that is tossed inside if not trash??

And then there is the mirror. Have you ever been to the gyno and wanted to check yourself 1st...you know, just to make sure all was presentable? If you have (and you should) you will know that there is never a mirror to be found. But in my doctor's office there is a mirror---do we really need to be reminded we haven't washed or brushed our hair, teeth, and face for four days?

And nothing says, "Come Again!" like the licked-finger pages of a communal magazine or the infamous front desk pen--Gag!! These things just make me sick thinking about them.

For the record I ended up having a staph infection in my nose and in need of a prescription creme. When I returned to the pharmacy to pick up my wonder drug I was told that they were all out. Huh? Out of blueberry NutriGrain bars I can understand...out of medicine for the sick I can't quite grasp.

1st & 10...Sing it Again

Not wanting to slight one child over the other I made a promise that I wasn't 100% certain would come to fruition. My son's football game was out of town...it was highly probable that he would not get much playing time...my daughter had a parent concert tonight for honor choir...from 7:00-7:30. Truth be told I could have sworn I copied the date correctly in my calendar (I am a calendar fanatic) and I had it penned down as next Tuesday...a much more convenient date as the football game would be at "home" on that day. My daughter kept asking me if I was going to come. "Of course I'll be there Sweetie!" As I searched the online choir concert calendar I saw before my eyes: PARENT CONCERT TONIGHT! Grrrr! Yikes!!! Oh %@#$%!!

What is a mother to do? I know many parents simply trade off or split up between kids...mom at the volleyball game, dad at the open house. But I want to be at both functions (like who doesn't). It's times like these when I am soooo grateful that I stopped at 2 kids!! I just don't know how families with multiple kids do it (and wouldn't you just know they are the ones who make it all look so darn easy---take the cover of the November issue of Good Housekeeping as a prime example).

I snuck out of work 10 minutes early, picked up my mom at a local convenience store (she was waiting inside with our coke and peanuts) and sped out of town (somehow thinking that if I got to the game early it would help me out in my mothering plight). I enjoyed perfect football weather, cheered, yelled, snapped pics, and was there to see my son in on several plays. If the game ended by 6:30 I could speed (literally) back to town barely late for my daughter's concert-thus earning myself a gold star in the mother column. The game wrapped up closer to 6:45...then we waited for my son to come off the field...then we had to sign him out because my husband was taking him home...then I left for the concert.

My first turn out of the parking lot was futile as there really wasn't an exit...only a lot of rocks and mush...no problem...it's just like my driveway...so I drove right on over it/through it and ultimately made it onto the real road. I stayed behind a car that was going extremely slow (probably the speed limit) for as long as I could stand it (4 seconds) and passed it promptly (turned out to be a young, first time driver). I exited onto I-10 and tried to beat a land-speed record. When I saw the flashing red and blue lights ahead of me on the opposite side of the highway I slowed down a little and managed to make it to town by 7:15. All doors to the choir room were locked except for the back door directly behind the accompanyist. I heard the choir's beautiful voices mixed in with the cheers and whistles of another football game coming from the field right next to the building. I waited until the song ended and then peeked my head in only to see all kids-no parents. What? I met a mother pacing the front sidewalk and asked her about the "concert." She had no idea what I was talking about, "My husband works here so he keeps up with everything." It turned out that there was not a parent concert at all and so I did not miss anything...except for a chance to grab some groceries sans kids.

When I got home I reminded my son that-since he just finished PLAYING A FOOTBALL GAME that he should really take a SHOWER! And when it was my daughter's turn to bathe she sang away...I got to hear my parent concert after all.

Just Another Day in Paradise

Some of the things I did today:

• dewormed a cat
• simplifed fractions
• drove over the speed limit
• called an early voting site
• texted my husband
• prayed to God
• wore red lipstick
• painted my fingernails and toenails red
• ate cafeteria food
• gave my dog a treat
• made a dinner the kids actually ate
• downloaded some photos onto a cd
• found a gumball in my amoire (brought there by a mouse)

Warning Signs

"Check Engine Oil" "Tire Pressure Low" "Pull Over Now!"
I currently have two warning lights illuminated on the control panel of my car. I currently do not have time to do anything about them. First it was the tire pressure. I actually got out of the car and pressed my finger into all four tires...felt thick enough to me...and off I drove to work. Just this morning, when my engine exhaust system light blinked on I drove to the first stop sign I came to, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, restarted the car, and drove on down the road...with the warning light still on. Damn!

This got me thinking about our own system of warning signs. No, we don't (fortunately) have lighted symbols blinking on our foreheads--symbols like a broken heart or a tired soul. But we do have other signs...some we heed...most we ignore. When we aren't running on all four cylinders we tend to catch colds more frequently; we develop dark circles under our eyes, and we snap at our loved ones. When we neglect to take ourselves in for a regular maintenance check up we tend to develop things like spare tires, loose nuts, and the need for an oil change. While some of us opt for a trade-in others choose to keep the original model.

I have not been happy with my own warning signs these days. They have been blatant and they have been blaring. I guess it is time for me to either get a new paint job or take some laps around the track...I'm thinking blonde!

Are You Kitten Me?

I've never been a "cat person." Now I am one...thanks to my daughter and her recent adoption of a stray kitten. So far I have learned the following:

1. cat turds can make you wish you did not own a nose
2. leather furniture is not cat-resistant
3. dust bunnies make for great inexpensive toys
4. purring is soothing to both cat and owner
5. cat eyes glow in the dark-and in photographs
6. dogs growl when cats are near/cats hiss when dogs are near
7. toilet paper is fair game
8. all knick knacks are likely to be knocked over
9. I'm ready for the cat to live outdoors

When Snickers started batting one of the many clumps of dust we have rolling around our floor I realized that it was time to actually vacuum and dust-dammit! There's nothing like a pet being able to swat a BALL of DUST between its paws to open one's eyes to the state of filth one lives in. This little kitten is suddenly starting to feel right at home. She thinks nothing of scaling Mount Leather Chair with her razor sharp claws. I think she actually enjoys eating my plants. She has even gone so far as to dance precariously between the window and the 12 glass votives resting on the sill. Wouldn't you just know that winter is our next season? I am a softy when it comes to animals, but I am also at a stage in life where my skin is growing tougher...the things we endure for the sake of our kids. There is a part of me that wants nothing more than to be able to allow my kids the opportunities to house varmits and rodents, reptiles, and felines...to say yes to their decorative whims...to not bat an eye when they hammer nails into the walls and accidentally drip fingernail polish on the carpet. But there is another part of me that longs for the Pottery Barn life...the floral rugs resting atop hardwood floors...the lounge chairs and the cork boards...all in the children's rooms. NOT!

I am stuck in between a fantasy existence and a frantic reality. To compensate I keep my kids' doors closed and I insist on tying knots in the plastic grocery bags that hold the kitty litter.

If the Shoe Fits

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go your way? I certainly have and yesterday was no exception. I have conditioned myself to adapt to the chaos around me rather than struggle and fight against it. This seems to work much better. I will say, though, that without the help of family it wouldn't be as easy. Monday evening found me outside running some football plays with my son so that he could get in one more practice before the big "North vs. South" game on Tuesday. I secured the kitchen timer to a fence post so that I would know when my spaghetti sauce was ready and tucked my phone into my shirt just in case my husband should call. I passed, my son caught; I called out plays and he would tell me who he was to block. The timer went off-we went in. My son scraped and squirted mud off of his shoes and asked if he could throw them in the dryer. I figured why not since we have dried tennis shoes before.

The next morning I accidentally turned off my alarm instead of snoozing it. I desperately needed to get up at 5:00 but didn't until ten minutes after 6:00. Thank God I miraculously woke then! I had planned on making a nice, hearty breakfast since it was game day and my son would be practicing in the morning, but time simply would not allow...nevermind the fact that we barely had enough cereal to split between my son and daughter. Both kids needed their clothes ironed and I had not even put on moisturizer let alone makeup. Before I brushed my teeth my son comes into my bathroom carrying one of his football cleats. The bottom portion was separated from the shoe---the dryer had literally melted the adhesive on both shoes and my son's mood right along with it.

I dug in one of my junk drawers for some Super Glue...found Krazy Glue instead...squeezed that baby with all my might and could not believe it when it would not even stick to the rubber. The last resort was to whip out the glue gun. My son was mortified to say the least, but I was determined. If we had had a roll of electrical tape I'd have used it. If I could just get him through the morning's practice I'd be able to rush off to the store and grab some new cleats before the game at 5:00 that evening. The hot glue held but my son insisted on wearing his regular tennis shoes since it was going to be a light practice anyway (probably a very smart move on his part!).

Right before we dashed out of the house I had to lock the dog up-making sure she had enough food and water to last a l-o-n-g time. Next I had to make sure that the kitten was securely locked in the bathroom--she was, but she did not have any food...and the litter box...Oh My Goodness!!! I told my daughter she absolutely had to empty that toxic box regardless of the impending tardy slip she was sure to get. I had so many bags to schlep around I could barely make it out of the washroom door (of course the schtuff blocking my path didn't help me out either).

We loaded up the car (thankfully my son had laid down some planks of wood between the sidewalk and the car so I wouldn't have to completely walk through mud to get into the car) and pulled out of the drive at the time I am suppose to be at work. I had to drive about 10 miles before I could get cell phone reception to call work and let them know that I was on my way. It must be noted that the later you arrive at work the less traffic you have to deal with in the parking lot...definitely something to consider.

My first class met me at the door and so I had them help me start up all of the computers and log in. Every chance I got I was texting my husband and calling my dad. Bealls (the only store in town that sells tennis shoes-other than Walmart) was all out of cleats. Dad said he'd go to Academy for me and we kept in touch as best as we could between cell phone calls and overdue fines. My husband gave me the specifics in what to look for in a football cleat and the deal was sealed. Dad showed up just before lunch with ...THE WRONG SHOE!!! God love him-he went back into San Antonio and exchanged them...met me at Walmart (where I snagged the last size 10.5 cleat--on sale for $13.00 thankyouverymuch), handed over the shoes in the parking lot where we hugged and parted ways. I had 4 minutes to spare before my next class walked through the library doors (I had given up my lunch to run to Wally World) but I needed to get the shoes to my son just in case they didn't fit. I sped over to the middle school and got him out of math class. He thought the cleats were a little tight, but there was plenty of toe room. The $13.00 pair were too big (wouldn't you just know it?). My son took the new shoes and rushed off to his locker and I dashed back to work.

Before I knew it there were only 2 minutes left before the bell rang to signal that school was over for the day. I called a Grandma who's daughter used to teach with me at the high school and asked her if Hailey could please go home with her and her granddaughters...and then to district honor choir practice at 6:00 that night...she said "Sure....today?...like...NOW?(she was already in the car pick-up line)...."Yes" I answered her meekly. "Of Course!" Thank you Lord!

I finished backing up all of my work for the day and closing down the library and then drove a colleage over to the local automotive store so she could pick up her car. Next it was off to the high school where I was hoping to be able to get there early enough to watch the guys warm up and hopefully check to see if my son's shoes were working out for him. He was easy to spot--he had the shiniest shoes on the field!! The game was a good one and the weather was pleasant as a storm was rolling in and the temperatures cooled down a bit. Our team ended up beating the other team 25-0 and my son had a good game. He was able to be in on several plays and afterwards he was so happy...which, in the end, makes me happy.

Even though things don't always go our way we still have to go our way...we can't ever stop no matter the obstacles. Yes, it's okay to ask for help...as long as we're willing to be the ones helping out when needed. And no matter what don't put your cleats in the dryer!

Lifetime Shavings Account

She shaved her legs today
Her soft blonde hair
Has washed away
Her legs now smooth
They glisten and shine
A growing child
That daughter of mine

Next she’ll want to paint her face
As she starts off in life’s great race
Always craving something new
Those younger years oh how they flew

Soon a car she’ll want to drive
And I’ll be left behind
No more my little shadow girl
This time I can’t rewind

And so I must learn to grow with her
To pave and lead the way
To make certain she always has someone
Who loves her everyday

Where once soft hairs rested
Dark spiky ones will grow
There’s just some unfun parts to growing up
A child simply can’t yet know

And so I gave permission
And helped her watch and learn
Unfortunately she’ll have to suffer
Her very first razor burn

At least some cooler weather
Is just around the bend
And long pants will be in season
And can be worn again and again

She begged and begged to shave those legs
Day in and day out
Now I’m the one counting the days
Until she loudly starts to pout

She’ll want to grow her hair out
Throw that razor out the door
It’s such an everyday ordeal
It’s quite the rotten chore

Thus the cycle of life starts spinning
And just when they finally grow up
They realize they actually had it good
‘Cuz grown up life just sucks

And this is just the beginning
There are many more battles to wage
If only one little razor
Could shave away our age

Car Talk

It's so nice when a town can literally shut down it's Main Street so that everybody who wants to can stroll up and down the town. Today, while the kids were in Sunday School, my husband and I walked from one end of town to the other admiring all of the cars that were taking part in this year's Rod Run. Everytime I would walk past a shiny car images and sounds from "back then" played through my mind. The cars back then seemed to have so much character and finesse; much more so than they do now. It made me want to be a teen on a date with the boy of my dreams. I wanted to wrap myself in a sweater and pull into the drive-in. I pictured myself with Jackie-O glasses and a scarf wrapped around my perfectly coiffed hair-do as I breezed down a winding cliff-side road---oceanic view below me.

As always, I was jolted back to my current reality when I had to get back into my dusty Jetta to pick up the kids. Even though my car's top doesn't come down it at least has a sun roof. And even though the words "perfect" and "hair-do" never find their way to me I can at least keep wearing my way too big for my face sunglasses as I drive off into the sunset down my very own Route 46.

Making Cents of a Book Fair

I just wrapped up a week's worth of book fair excitement. There is something magical suspended in the air during this special week each school year. I feel very strongly that children should have magical moments in their lives while they are young so that they have lasting memories they can revisit later in life. Being able to garner sneak peeks into the lives of children on a daily basis is one of the neatest gifts I could ever receive. Many parents send their kids off to school and do not know all that goes on in their child's life. I think it is important for this to occur because it is my opinion that kids need to learn how to grow and 'become' in the absence of their parents. That being said, I consciously make an effort to lay low while at work because I want my kids to have some school time without Mom looking over their shoulders. But that is not always easy to do considering the fact that I work at their school. But, because I work at an elementary school I am privy to all kinds of interesting childhood moments.

One day last week I had a second grader approach me at the cashier's desk while clutching tightly to a ziplock baggie that was filled with coins. "I just want to know if I have enough cents," he explained. Boy, don't we all, I thought to myself. Even though I knew that I certainly didn't have enough sense to do many of the things I attempt on a daily basis, I patiently counted out his coins. So many kids came into the library skipping and left shouting "I got a book!" Many others strategically divided their loot so that they could purchase a book for a sibling. Still others kept buying until the last penny was spent. I did have one fourth grade boy ask me if he could use a credit card because he knew his mom's credit card number along with it's expiration date-OMG!

I spent a large portion of each day desperately trying to explain the concept that a five dollar bill would not be enough to purchase a $4.99 book because of little word called "tax." I guess I didn't do that good of a job because at the end of the week I owed Scholastic close to $50.00 for all of the students who were short on change!

I overhead many parents bargaining with their kids saying things like, "...you can get these two, but you have to put that one back." Or "...well...how about if you just don't get an allowance this month?" Or "...You already have 6 diaries at home that you haven't even written in...you don't need another one...pick out a book with WORDS in it." Most parents want to expose their children to all forms of literature. They want to foster a love of reading. They are strapped for cash but always find a way.

Both of my kids read in the car the entire way home. My son spouted out facts and statistics and my daughter stayed up late reading and couldn't wait to share with me the details the next morning. I learned of a student who spent the night we were open late for Family Night drawing sketches after reading his new drawing book. I saw kids reading their new books while waiting in the bus line and at the cafeteria table during lunch. I watched normally rowdy boys sitting quietly on the floor hunched over a cool book. I witnessed friends giggling over some funny pictures, and ultimately ended up buying the same books. Hearing all of the ooohs and ahhhhs this past week was better than any movie soundtrack. It made all of the extra hours and frenetic activity completely worth it.

I hope that over this three-day weekend many kids will fall into a good book and get hooked on reading!

No More WeakEnds

Raising our kids to be good, Christian, people can be very challenging. I am discovering that the challenging part of it all has to do with me rather than them. It is I who grumbles and whines (if only inside my mind) whenever we have to stay in town late into the night because of Wednesday night confirmation classes. I am the one who contemplates getting up early enough to attend church on Sunday mornings. My kids have never whined about having to go to church or Sunday School or confirmation classes. They simply accept these things as a regular part of their lives.

Just this evening, after picking up my son from football practice at 5:45 we pulled up in front of the church a little before 6:00 for his weekly Journey In Faith (JIF) confirmation class. He asked if he could go on in early and he always leaves the car in good spirits. He seems happy and eager. Every Wednesday evening, when I pick him up at 8:00 he jumps into the car with a pleasant attitude. Every Sunday morning (early in the morning) both kids get out of bed in good moods and never complain about having to leave home.

In this fast-paced world it is so easy to want nothing more than to sleep in on that blessed Sunday morning. But I have found that, if anything, my family often gets the recharging they need not from laying in a bed, but by sitting in a pew.

The Cat's Out of the Parking Lot

This afternoon found me filling a shopping cart with feeding bowls, scoopers, and kitty litter. I am now the owner of a daughter who owns a kitten...a 6 week old kitten. After responding to a mass email about an adorable female tabby I was the lucky one whose response arrived first. It turns out that this gray, black, and brown kitten was found abandoned at 4 weeks old in the Walmart parking lot by a kind-hearted animal rescuer. Wanting nothing more than to find a good home for this little cutie pie she issued a call and we answered. My daughter has been begging for a cat (and a donkey, and a duck, and a pig...) for a long time and we could definitely benefit from having one out in the country where we live. We had made a trip to the animal shelter a month ago but were told that we would have a hard time finding kittens this late in the year. My daughter really wanted a kitten as opposed to a full grown cat so that she could bond with it. I didn't tell her about the email in case nothing came of it, but this afternoon, after speaking with the rescuer, I told my daughter what was happening. She was elated to say the least and has been smiling ever since.

It turns out this little kitten is very sweet and even though we were told that she was a little skittish seems quite relaxed and content. We'll have to keep her in the bathroom for a good week or two to help her get adjusted to our home and family...and our dog, Roo (that should be interesting). My daughter is going to scheme her heart out to find a way to get the kitten to sleep in her room--I just know it--but that is simply not in the cards. In a half hour I will pick up my son from his confirmation class and then we will all head home--with a new member of our family in tow. Now the cat's out of the parking lot and into our lives...stay tuned!

All's Fair in Love and Books

Just when you think being around kids day in and day out is going to make you leap--you see them in a different light. Today kicked off day one of a week long book fair at my school. I was treated to sights and sounds of youth that made me smile from within. I witnessed big 6th grade boys sitting cross-legged on the floor flipping through the pages of a book as if no one else were in the room. I heard squeals of delight as 5-year olds recognized familiar characters on the covers of books. I helped the very young make out a wish list to take home to their parents and I helped count the coins others brought in with the hopes of bringing home a new read.

There is nothing like being a part of a child's world...a world rich in excitement and pleasure. There is something special about getting to be a part of some of the experiences kids have when their parents aren't around. Most parents, I'm happy to report, would be pleased if they could watch and listen as I get to. Multiple times throughout book fair week I am privy to siblings purchasing for each other. I get to count back change to a child who thinks he just hit the mother load. I absolutely love seeing kids get so excited to be shopping "all by themselves" in the confines of our school library. I am grateful to all of the volunteers who so graciously give of their time to visit their kid's world and help me out at the same time.

At the end of the week it is not about the money, but instead about the joy expressed in the students' voices as they exclaim phrases such as, "This is SO cool!" and "AWESOME!" "Oh I LOVE this author!" "You have such cool books here!" In such a technology-driven, fast-paced world it is good to know that kids still get excited about the turning of pages.

And How Was Your Day?

There is just too much to divulge that, even for me, is too personal-so I'll just leave you a few snippets of what my day entailed:

• a Big Red Icee (all ice no juice--just as well since my straw sucked...figuratively)



• an emergency dash to the restrooms in Marshalls while walking from the parking lot to the store without separating my thighs.



• the disposing of personal undergarments (brand new too-wouldn't you know it)



• the purchase of new personal undergarments



• the wearing of pants backwards (oh yes I did)



• the purchase of new pants



• an ill-fated search for a newly released book but was told by the bookseller, "We don't have it...it's brand new." (voices in my head said, "That's why I came to the BOOK STORE.")



• the emptying of the bed of a truck



• filling up at a gas station 3 times in one day - 2 different vehicles



• working on the weekend in a building whose electricity was out (I used the flashlight I carry in my purse and considered the sweating a form of exercise)



• another ill-fated search-this time for tweezers-the ONLY style that was sold out was THE style that I wanted.



• yet ANOTHER ill-fated search for pony-tail holders (sold out at Target--no lie)



• at the risk of repeating myself I'll call this next one an ill-fated attempt to rent movies...both IronMan and LeatherHeads were sold out...all 259 copies



• the irritatingly incessant beeping of some kind of alarm from the data room in my library while I was working in the dark



• the last minute call from my son informing me that he had just been invited to a friend's house (which meant as soon as I got home I'd have to drive him back to his friend's...in a different town)



• a cancellation in my dinner plans



• DO I REALLY NEED TO CONTINUE ON??????

Guess What...I Have a Thutt!!

I thought epiphanies only happened when one's eyes were opened to something delighfully wonderful...like realizing that you finally know your true calling in life. Apparently epiphanies occur when not so wonderful things happen as well...such as coming to the realization, while viewing one's naked profile in the bathroom mirror, that you no longer have a "nut butt" perched atop your skinny thighs. Instead your butt and the back top portion of your thighs have merged into one thus creating a thigh-butt...or thutt.

I used to think my butt was too big--the way it stuck out at the end of my swaying back like a big round bubble...as a matter of fact 'bubble-butt' was the term used to reference my backside by those closest to me. But as time passes my rear is not the only thing that is sticking out these days. Instead of shrinking it to fit the rest of my body, I have since "grown into my butt."

I think for Halloween
I'll wear lime green
This costume will do in a pinch
For I pout and act and look and feel
Just like The Grinch!

Women

What a species...WOMEN. We are such intersting creatures ... are we not? I love being of an age when I can freely discuss my flaws with strangers. It seems that every time I do so there is that immediate "connection." I have come to KNOW that no matter what our circumstances...good, bad, rich, poor, pretty, not so pretty, thin, not so thin...you name it...WE ARE ALL ALIKE.

I can honestly say that while I am proud to be a woman there are times when I wish I were a man. It seems to me that men stay thin, wear wrinkles well, and are pretty low maintenance when it comes to getting ready for anything. Women, on the other hand, have a bad rap as nagging you-know-whats. And just who gave us that title??? MEN! The very people who caused the vicious cycle to start spinning in the first place!! Okay-okay...not all men...but you get the drift. If only men could grasp what it is that we have to deal with on a daily basis. (I'm in the throes of a hormonal imbalance as I type this so please take that into conseration). First of all we have HORMONES. These are the ball-bearings that roll around inside of us and continually keep us out of whack. If you break the word down it sounds like "whore" "moans"...which, I guess, could translate as "SEX?!... Are you FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?! These hormones are like little A.D.D. gremlins that bounce off of our insides pushing every button they can find. As a direct result we are like ill-wired robots shorting out all day long. We laugh while tears streak our cheeks. We desperately try to be "someone" by layering on the makeup but don't really give a sh** if we cry our mascara away. We know that pencil skirts and tortoise heels look really sharp but wear our fat pants and comfy flats because inside we are just daring someone to say something to us. We love our children but yell at them and then beat ourselves up about it. We know 8 hours of sleep will do wonders for those black pouches that have taken up residence below our eyes...but we stay up anyway...we stay up because it is the only time when we are actually aware of our own breathing...everyone else is asleep and we no longer have to hold in our stomachs. We leave the dishes in the sink knowing that they will be the very thing that sets us off first thing in the morning...but for right now we don't want to have to be doing anything. We are women...we are strong and we are capable...but we are also exhausted.

In No Mood

What is it with moods? One minute I'm up-the next I'm down. I can't really pinpoint any one thing in particular that sets me off. Right now I simply feel nothing. Earlier in the day I needed to walk out to my car to get something I thought I had left in the trunk and I felt like I was absolutely capable of walking all the way around around the globe. I even had on heels and yet the thought of walking away felt so completely possible.

I can remember wanting nothing more than to get in the car and drive until I ran out of gas. I didn't care which direction I were to head nor did I care where I were to arrive. All I wanted to do was leave. Today I simply wanted to walk. Walking out to the parking lot felt a little like shuffling through your home in the middle of the night: your senses are heightened and everything just "feels" different...almost eerie. The same can be said about stepping outside of the school during a time of day when there aren't any activities going on outside. The parking lot is quiet and still and the building stands so quietly it is hard to imagine there are over 600 students inside. The air was comfortably cool and I felt like a prisoner breaking free.

It turns out I wasn't ever really "free" but rather transferred from one prison to another. And here I sit with my fingers tapping away while my chin rests on my chest--kind of like the involuntary muscular movements of a snake long after it is dead. There is so much that I want to say but I am falling asleep. (I think I may have fallen asleep two paragraphs ago if you must know the truth).

Anyway, I have experienced the full gamut of moods today and seem to have been stuck on blah.