Bear Necessities

The tiny tag read: "Please look after this bear, Thank You." Well, how can you ignore that?! And so I have been looking after Paddington Bear for over 30 years now. He is starting to look just a wee bit worn around the edges, but I love him still the same. He makes me smile every year when I rescue him from his makeshift home amongst some of my most treasured posessions: my Christmas tree ornaments. His front paws clip onto anything you want--I always choose one of the branches in the top portion of the tree...usually on the right hand side. Just seeing him makes me feel like a kid.

I can still remember watching a stop animation filmstrip about him while seated cross-legged on the floor surrounded by what felt like the entire school. Maybe it was a rainy day or perhaps it kicked off a holiday...either way I was introduced to Wellington boots, marmalade jam, and a delightfully Brittish bear. As I force myself to recognize just what it was exactly that attracted me to him I must say that I am at a loss. To this day I love foreign accents, but there was more to it than that. I do know that I liked the idea of the little tag attached to his coat.

I am thinking I may need a tag of my own these days: "Please look after this girl, Thank you." Now I'm starting to think that maybe I do have one of these tags--maybe it's been attached to me since I was born. I'd like to think that God sent me to my parents with just such a message attached. I'd also like to think that my parents sent me on my way out into the world and into the arms of my husband with my tag still intact. And now it is hitting me that I must do the same with my children--"Please look after my children, Thank you." Yikes...is that all that I get to say? All that I get to wish? The "please" part and the "thank you" part are great, but shouldn't I say more? Shouldn't I give more explicit, detailed instructions?

But then I look back at that tiny bear who found his way into my life all those years ago. If he brings me such joy each and every time that I look at him then he and I both must be doing something right...even though he came without details. I was only to love...no wait...I was only asked to look after. Could it really be that simple?

As you get ready to celebrate the holidays don't forget to look after those who are entrusted in your care. Don't forget to say "please" and "thank you." Don't forget to hold on tight even if you feel like you are out on a limb. And, finally, don't forget to look after yourself.

Breaking Free

The other evening I sat and visited with a good friend. When I could have easily spilled forth with accolades neverending in her direction she patted me on the back over and over again. Her talents branch out and reach upward...she is like a vase housing a bouquet of wildflowers. She has a beauty about her that enters the room before she does. She has a kind soul coupled with a wild streak. Her genuine core keeps her grounded even while her aspirations have her floating upward. When a woman such as she is kept under glass the fog of her dreams does not block out the light--instead it creates the matte canvas upon which she paints her future. After years of etching her dreams upon the glass the moment finally comes when the glass breaks...whether by her neverending devotion to her calling or by the casting of a stone...it almost does not matter for all she knows is that the air is fresher, the view is clearer, and the boundaries are gone. The world she has been watching from a distance rushes upon her with a force unlike anything she has ever felt. The winds of change sting her face and tousle her hair and she only wants to open her mouth wide as if to swallow it and keep it so that it can continue to churn within.

BFFs!

I brought my 11 year old daughter along for an all girls' weekend with my two best friends from elementary school. We spent the night in Dana's lake cabin and it felt every bit like the quintessential pre-teen slumber party that it truly was! Being the only one with a daughter I wanted to include my daughter in the plans because she loves all things "girl." She adores my girlfriends and they return the love. I am so fortunate to be able to share her with them.

We massaged our feet, painted our toenails, played the flute, and flipped through magazines. We ate coconut meringue pie for breakfast and had Mike &Ike's candies for dinner. We laughed until we peed in our matching froggy pajamas!

We exchanged fun gifts the likes of peppermint hand sanitizers, vanilla creme lotions from Bath & Body Works, fun candles, and old copies of Judy Blume books as tokens of our lasting friendships! Per my daughter's request she and I picked up some cozy fleece pjs and stuffed animals for all the girls.

At one point in the night someone gave my daughter a Sharpie Marker with the instructions to "Mark the 1st person to fall asleep"...guess who dozed off first? Yup....'twas I.

Dana built us a roaring fire in the wood burning stove that sustained us all through the night. She and my daughter stood their ground and defended the cabin against the angry mob of hornets that once lived inside the pipe of the stove. We all played M.A.S.H. (mansion, apartment, shack, house), and we popped each other's backs. We fed the stray cats that hung out near the front door (though they looked as if they hung out at every cabin door--no ribs showing on these felines). As it turned out we were more than warm and slept, as I had earlier predicted, with the doors open. We had prepared for freezing temperatures and had the electric blankets to prove it. We discussed our favorite authors and we wend on a nature walk.

All in all it was a great getaway...it was great in the fact that I could have my daughter along with me while "out with the girls." It was great in the notion that good old fashioned corny silly fun is still great fun! It was a strong reminder that girls are girls no matter their age...we all just want to belong to a group of people who love us and accept us. We all need someone who we can confide in, tell our secrets to, share a ped egg with. I pray that my daughter will surround herself with some truly great girlfriends who will embrace her and encourage her the way my BFFs have done for me...and thank heaven...who do so for her too! Thanks, girls!!!!

Moi

I'm finally at a point in my life where I don't care if I haven't been a good girl come December. Santa can kiss my ball of mistletoe because this chick has had her fill of brownie points. I am tired of being good. I am fed up with doing right. I am sick of following rules. Am I afraid that I'm not going to get what I wished for? Har! Far from it! I am no longer closing my eyes and blowing out candles with the high hopes of receiving. Instead I am going to go full throttle forward in my pursuit of granting my own wishes. No longer am I going to rely on anyone or anything to make my dreams come true. I am the only one who knows what I truly want and what I truly need to make me a happy girl. At the risk of sounding selfish I am declaring out loud my new mantra: "It's All About Me!"

I have a few short weeks left in 2008 and I intend to make them count. I want to get the momentum rolling so that when January 1st rolls around I already have enough speed to propel me into the new year without the safety of brakes. I already know that my '08 resolutions did not come to fruition, but that is not going to stop me from tacking them on to my '09 goals.

I still value my family, and I still enjoy my job, but I am ready to focus on the person who needs me most...and that is ME!

108 Over 70...

Here's hoping your Thanksgiving was a good one. Here's praying that the horrible things you dreaded never really came to pass. Here's wishing you were able to just be present and pleasant. I, for one, was able to spend the holiday with both sides of my family and return home unscathed. While this has not always been the case I am happily placing this particular feather in my cap...the cap that previously held no other feathers. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it is merely my frame of mind at the time that establishes the outcome of the family get-together for this year I was more or less a blank canvas. I did not bring past hurts or previous stings with me this year. I left behind the grudges that used to rest on my shoulders. I smiled and nodded and listened and laughed...I did it...I made it through the meal without a tear and without a jab. So it took me twenty plus years of being the "outsider" -so be it. Life has merely lengthened out the wrinkles like a stretched piece of cloth. A couple more pulls and it might tear apart, but if cared for it just might find a home in the cabinet with all the other linens. It just might become a treasured quilt square in another generation.

The evening found me at my parents' home. For a change I finally feel a little bit of separateness from their home and my own. Maybe if they still lived in the home of my childhood I might have more difficulty finding the line in the sand, but since they don't I am starting to realize that I have officially grown up and grown on. The good news is that the unconditional love that follows my parents no matter where they call home is always present and welcoming. We enjoyed good food and great fun. A pleasant game of Tripoloy was played and a good time was had by all. Just knowing that my kids now know the difference between a full house and a royal straight means so much to me!

At the end of the night my daughter went around checking everyone's blood pressure and pulse...just another fun game we like to play now that Dad has his own machine! The good news is that we were all so full and content that our numbers were very low!

May your blood pressure remain low throughout the rest of the holiday season!!!

Are Your Roots Showing?

Ahhh...the holidays...no longer are we able to exist as surface level beings. We are forced to visit with the bottom dwellers...to get to the root of why we are the way we are...enter: THE FAMILY GET TOGETHER. All across the nation families are planning gatherings. Good intentions will be served but all too often the food gets too cold too quickly. Why is that? Why can't we all just get along?! Perhaps it is because there are too many cooks in the kitchen once all the kids have grown up to become adults themselves. Lives change and people move on. But the grudges and the infractions linger through the ages.

No matter how long ago we flew the coop our roots run deep-always searching for their source of original sustenance. Sometimes our roots branch out and find other means through which to thrive. But come the fall and winter months, when most of us would rather hunker down and hibernate, the winds of change blow our way and expose the things we tried to keep hidden. Our roots are exposed and they are not a pretty sight. Now we are stuck. If we cut off our roots we are sure to sever ourselves indefinitely. If we try to transplant we are never fully whole. So what are we to do? We are to drink from the well, but lean towards the light. And if all else fails...find yourself and excellent stylist!!!

Chicks Rule

With exactly one week to go before Thanksgiving my son brought home 40 baby chicks today. Why? Because he is a member of our County,s 4H and, after winning the Jr. Showmanship award along with placing 3rd in his division, he has decided to show chickens again in the January Stockshow. This morning, at 6:30 a.m.father and son went to make their selection. All participants must pick up their chicks on the same day and, in all likelihood you don't really know what you're getting until they start to grow. In other words it's as fair as it can get.

My son has been diligently working sanitizing the coop, prepping the area, and purchasing the necessary supplies for the past several weekends. He is such a hard worker. Tonight, the chick's first night "home," my son had a heat lamp already set up for them. Those furry yellow peeps didn't even know they were in harm's way when my son raced outside and chased away the raccoon he noticed slinking towards the coop. He just happened to catch a glimpse of the night bandit while working on his homework.

The wind is whipping things up outdoors reminding us to be thankful that we are inside safe and warm. The high tomorrow is only suppose to be in the mid 50s so I'm thinking I may need a heat lamp set up over my bed! I dug in my bag of "winter accessories" to make sure I'd be prepared in the morning: gloves-check!; muffler-check!; ear warmer/headband/thingy-check!check!check! I'm already wearing my fleece pjs and have thrown the razor and toenail polish out the window! This chick's had it with upkeep! Hell I can't even keep up let alone upkeep these days!

A Bird in the Bag Is Worth More Than a Warm One In The Freezer

I have two best friends. One of them meets me for after hour book signings with famous people...the other invites me up to her lake cabin where we fling dead birds into plastic bags and chip away at a frosty freezer.

Allow me to explain:

In preparation for another girls' weekend at the lake cabin, Dana and I decided that it would be wise if we visited the cabin just to check things out before we arrive next weekend. Good thing we did because our first mission was to inspect the wood burning stove. Inside we found some leftover newspaper ashes, the metal tools we would need, and a dead cardinal. Our speculations ran wild with images of bird suicide and bird pranks gone bad. After putting many layers of plastic bags between her skin and the lifeless bird, Dana mournfully dumped the bird into a used Dick's Sporting Goods plastic bag. Since there is no such thing as trash pick up out at the lake Dana had no choice but to haul her bagged bird back into S.A. with her (While driving away I had Pet Semetary visuals flooding my thoughts).

It was significantly cooler inside the cabin than it was outside...so much so that I was secretly starting to have doubts about pulling an all-nighter here. I lived in an uninsulated house without heat (or air conditioning) for over 20 years and was painfully reminded of just how miserable it was. The very thought of having to sleep in three layers of clothes, a ski parka, ear muffs, a scarf, and woolen socks-underneath an electric blanket underneath a down comforter...not really tops on my list any longer. But there was a side of me that wanted to prove (to whom I have absolutely no idea!!!???) that us three women could survive a weekend in the cold. (Of course I had delusions of us sitting around the wood stove, wearing cute ,wintery socks and flannel pajamas, all sipping hot chocolate, looking fabulous, and laughing the night away).

Unfortunately I have come to accept the truth that scenarios like the one I painted above never happen to me. My real scenarios tend to have dead birds and frostbite in them (though not necessarily in that order). And so, speaking of frostbite, Dana spent the good part of an hour chipping away at the frosty freezer. While it looked pretty inside...very much like the gateway to Narnia, it did nothing to warm up the room. It did, however, make an excellent cooler!

After convincing ourselves that we'll only shower before we come to the cabin and after we leave the cabin we started to believe that we could handle anything. We made lists of items we'll need to bring. Items such as:

*a fire extinguisher

*electric blankets

*coffee

*ear muffs

*food

That should just about cover it! Stay tuned to learn just how next weekend turns out.

Seasonal Advice

There is beauty all around us-if we will just stop long enough to find it. This picture was taken by me on a day that I called in sick to work. I had had it with the fast-paced-no-time-to-enjoy life-rush-rush-rush routine I was stuck in. I decided that I needed to take a day off if for no other reason than because I needed to in order to preserve my own sanity. As life would have it this day was spent cleaning up a couple of month's worth of chaos instead of taking in a chick flick and then napping...but que sera sera.

I hated the fact that the hours flew by but I relished the fact that I was the master of my time that day. In the middle of mopping the floor I just stopped and walked outside. I grabbed my camera and took a stroll around our property snapping pictures at will. While I was on my back porch I was able to marvel at the seedums we have planted in baskets attached to our porch rails. I truly appreciated being able to stop and stare at each leaf, stem, and precious bud. When I start to think of all of the things that I am missing out on by being confined to the four walls of my job I get extremely frustrated. But knowing that I have to be there I make myself see the beauty in all that surrounds me there as well. I do love the kids and wish that I had more time to just listen to them and what they have to say. So many parents would be amazed at the independence their children possess when they are not around.

I am glad that I had the day to stop and observe the flowers for all too soon they will close up and wither away. But I have learned that we all go through 'seasons' in our lives where we aren't as shiny and open as we would like to be. We sometimes feel like closing up and withering away. But, after a time of quiet and self reflection, we bloom again. Our true beauty never really goes away despite the harsh conditions thrust upon us. As long as our roots run deep and are clinging to the right kind of sustenance we will open ourselves up again when the time is right.

The Winds of Change

Last night found me roused from sleep by the sounds coming from outside. There was the whoosh of the wind, the banging of the barn door, and the clanking of the loose sheet atop the lean-to. A cold front had arrived. While I am not a huge fan of the cold I am a lover of nature. Having spent way too many months living in a drought I have been surrounded by...nothing. Nothing showed itself as even being alive. The grass and leaves have been crunchy when they were supposed to be lush; the creeks have all dried up taking the cattails and perch along with them.

And then the winds blew...

It was then, in the middle of the night, that I realized I had only known "drought" and all that was associated with it...nothing. As I listened to the effects of the wind it dawned on me that movement...life...has been missing in my world. I suddenly felt very affected by the sheer presence of the wind...a gusty and strong reminder that God was really out there and that He was bringing a new season into my life. There was a part of me that wanted to stand outside and just let the wind wrap itself around me...perhaps even lifting me and carrying me away. Instead I remained in bed allowing myself to be lulled back to sleep amidst the rustling of leaves and the tapping of tin.

In the morning I was very aware of God's presence and grateful for it. My senses were heightened and, for the first time, I welcomed the chilly air. The day was more about the wind itself than the resulting cooler temperatures. I was simply thankful for the movement around me. Instead of getting my feathers ruffled I opted to go with the flow...and it made all of the difference.

To "hear" God in the wind is to appreciate what He does. To "feel" God in the elements is to acknowledge His touch. To "see" God in the rustling leaves is to open our eyes to all that is.

Straight Up

The stage was set: I rushed home after work, deposited my kids in the house,
touched up my makeup and then backed out of the driveway...I was on my way to San Antonio...by myself! I had waited all day long for the work day to end so that my living could begin. I was going to listen to Stephanie Klein, author of Straight Up and Dirty and Moose, speak at the Jewish Community Center for and hour and a half.

Imagine my surprise when one of my best friends in the whole wide world walks through the front doors! How cool was this night going to be?! This was THE friend who introduced me to all things inappropriate...all things taboo...ALL THINGS PERIOD!!!How perfect that she and I would be sitting in the front row listening to a woman use the f-word when describing her mother-in-law!!!

Even though my friend and I are within walking distance of our forties (me more so than her...dammit!) we can't help but to revert back to prepubescent girls whenever we get together. She shares my love of books, reading, writing, and movies, and we have always been there for each other. There is another "one of us" who was not present that evening, but who would have loved it just the same. There is something to be said about girls, womanhood, friendships, and bonds. We are so fortunate to have been able to have been in each other's lives, in one way or another, for over 30 years (gulp).

We are in the process of planning a girls' weekend at the lake cabin again so that we can shake loose the heavy hats that we wear. Each of us needs a safe place where we can let down our guard and just be. In each other's presence we did not have to hold in our stomachs and we can sit cross-legged without fear of comment. We are able to be who we are.

Stephanie Klein was very emphatic when she insisted that we are not our past or our mothers...we are who WE are. She drove home the fact that it is better to be not so perfect as long as we are happy with who we are. When she and I talked after she was finished speaking she looked me in the eye the entire time I was speaking---despite the fact that there was a line snaking around the corner. She listened and she laughed. She even suggested that, perhaps, she and I could get together for coffee...can you imagine?! You heard it here first folks!

CATch-22

I do not like cat hair. Nor do I like the sound carpet makes when it is being snagged and ripped by the claws of a cat. But I do like soft, furry things that purr when you love on them. Herein lies the conundrum…what to do, what to do?? I can’t declaw a creature who may have to exist outdoors, but I can’t keep a sharp clawed creature indoors where I house such belongings as…well…my belongings (some of which include mosquito nets and leather furniture). But, just like when an innocent child accidentally spills their milk, I can’t really be angry with the cat.

Just the other day, while playing hookey, I left my doors and windows open so that I could enjoy the beautiful weather a little more. Our cat (suddenly she is “our” cat instead of my daughter’s cat) waltzed outside and, once on the sidewalk, flipped herself up into the air and landed (gracefully somehow) on her back where she basked for a few moments before leaping back up and doing a few twists and turns. I went and grabbed my camera in order to capture her playfulness. There is one shot that happened before I even knew it happened. All I know is that in an instant our cat was a foot in the air swatting at an insect that apparently only she could see. I snapped the shutter and managed to get most of it. Ahhh...the sheer joy of play. I learned alot about stopping, relaxing, and enjoying in that brief moment I spent watching our cat be a cat.

This got me thinking: Why is it so hard to just be who we are? While I may not like it that the cat wants to claw at the furniture I 'm not really mad at her for doing so...I know it is just in her nature to do so...and I still love her. Why must we constantly censor ourselves out of fear of not "being" right? The people in our lives need to love us...even when we claw at the furniture...because we're just doing what's in our nature to do. So be YOU and be HAPPY!

We all know that "life is too short" and that we need to "live life to the fullest" but do we really act on those notions? I think more of us need to let the sun fall on our shoulders...we need to jump and twist and play a little more each day.

To Thee I Sing...

Have you ever been in a gymnasium filled with elementary school students? Have you ever been in one where you could hear a pin drop? Where soft voices sang "When You Are A Soldier?" Where veterans got tears in their eyes? I have. I was in one just this morning.

Our annual Veteran's Day ceremony gets me every time. I cannot imagine how the veteran's attending this event must feel being able to see the benefits of their personal sacrifices. Some have not had to wait all that long having fought in the current war on terrorism while others were called to duty before I was even born. For these men and women to be able to see and hear the voices of children...children who know nothing but freedom...I hope they know that it is because of their commitment to and love for our country that our youth can be happy children.

Flags were saluted, pledges were read, anthems were sung, and Taps was played...all by students. Hands were placed over hearts and respect was paid. How humbling it was to stand in an elementary school gym-safe and free-knowing I didn't do one thing to deserve it...I was only born...in America...THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAVE SERVED, AND ARE CURRENTLY SERVING TO DEFEND OUR GREAT NATION.

Gut Feelings

This is why I love working around children every day:

2nd grade girl: my sister fell yesterday and hit herself inbetween her legs.
Me: Ouch! Is she okay?
2nd grade girl: She almost broke her intestines!

Home on the DeRanged

While I did "nothing"
something got done
while I wasn't at "work"
our home was well run

there's now an unfamiliar
scent in the air
it's the smell of clean
it's the smile that I wear

the hours they flew
the day has gone by
it was fun being me
without asking why

mundane chores
were a pleasure to do
when given the chance
to see them through

of course it helps
to sip on wine
without a boss
to mark the time