Saturday, September 13, 2008

Ants In Our Pants

We have ants in our pants...really. It seems that the little creatures of the Earth will stop at nothing to seek sustenance. Unfortunately they are finding it in our dog's food bowl, in our pantry, and in our piles of both clean and dirty clothes. I have resorted to washing our clothes, ants and all, and then folding them outside on the porch-after slapping each article of clothing as hard as I can against either the house or the porch railing. I have to pick and pinch the little suckers one at a time to ensure they don't make their way into our closets. (That delicate procedure did not work by the way---the ants thrive in places like dirty clothes hampers). Then again, if it didn't take me a full week before removing the dirty clothes the ants might not have stood a chance. Then there is the issue of folding and hanging the clothes right away that I have neglected to do ever since I officially "quit" my "job" of good wife and good mother when I realized that, yes, I would in fact be working for the rest of my life. Like the movie title, "Something's Gotta Give," something just had to go and I chose housework as the thing. But the weird thing is I still do it-though not well, or, quite frankly, willingly.

Back to the ants: Since using up all of the real ant spray I have resorted to other modes of annihilation such as: a mix of Bleach and water, Febreeze, Wet Wipes, and mopping (desperate times call for desperate measures). Nothing quite did the trick. So now we all just coexist with the ants. I now keep my dog's food bowls on a plastic serving tray that is filled with water (a very effective moat mind you) so the ants now drown upon entry (be careful what you wish for....). The mop stays out in plain sight instead of gathering dust behind a door (this is a great piece of decor for when unexpected guests show up--you can just point to the mop and say, "Pardon the floor...I was just getting ready to mop when you showed up...") and then dismiss it thereby giving your guests the impression that "housework can wait...you are so much more important..."

Every now and then I'll get a stinging jolt in an obscure location while going about my day. That is when I realize that despite my shock and awe ant warfare drills a rouge survivor held fast and clung to the inside of my pants. It is times like these when I actually look forward to winter--when the ants go underground and we don't sweat as much--thus making the laundry loads lighter.

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